M: One of our newer community members (she's been through one fundamentals
 cycle) is 6 weeks pregnant, our first community member to have a baby.  What
 are your thoughts about--Different areas in which she might counsel while
 she is pregnant and preparing for childbirth
 --Distress/oppression distress which tends to creep
 on as she heads toward parenthood (and good contradictions for counselor
 and directions for herself) --Particular readings which you have found helpful
 for pregnant women and women heading towards childbirth.

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C. G.:
  Having had two children as an RCer, I have done a lot of work in this area and here
are my thoughts:

Counsel on what it was like for her as a baby - were
her parents welcoming? Into what type of circumstances
was she born into? How did her own birth go? What was
it like for her in utero?  What was her
parents/caretaker's reactions when she cried? She may
need to make-up what she thinks might have happened,
but it will be great for discharge!

Another huge area for discharge will be on fear...fear
of giving birth, fear of pain, fear of being
responsible for another human being - whatever her
fears may be, that's where to go.

Something that would also be good to work on, that I
didn't figure out very well before my first child was
born, was on the parent's oppression that hits. Others
will have lots of feelings about her pregnancy,
birthing choices, child rearing ideas, etc...these
will come up and at her a lot and to work on each
thing as it happens no matter how insignificant it may
seem. See if she can get furious about it and keep
reminding her that her thinking is always the best and
to trust it!

Something that was very useful to me during my
pregnancy when I was worried about discharging or
being around discharge (for fear that this would be
disturbing to my unborn baby) was to remember that
discharge is a natural process, even discharging fear,
and would not be harmful to my baby. I would imagine
my child curled up inside of me and smiling when I was
working on these big things, knowing that it was for
them and that I would be able to welcome them the best
I could.

The last thing would be to get lots of support during
and after the birth including RCers who can give her
time and keep reminding her that she and her body know
best how to birth her baby. I don't know how the
medical profession is in Hong Kong, but it is fairly
invasive in the States and it can help to have people
around who know how she wants the birth to go and can
remind her and those around her of those wishes.

I hope that helps.

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M. T.:

This has been really exciting to read. Frankly, when I was pregnant, I felt 
too much in a fog to remember much of anything. This feeling is not unusual
for  pregnant women. I do know that my patterns of being so driven were
undermined by  pregnancy. I actually spent a significant amount of time discharging on
saying  goodbye to that old incredibly goal-oriented/driven M..
 
One thing that I find myself discharging on as a mother of a 2 1/2 year old 
is sexism as it appears in my relationship. It is critical that a new mother 
discharges on sexism because, for reasons that don't necessarily strike me as 
fully rational, she ends up taking on so much of the work of building the 
relationship with the young person. It is critical, like the last person wrote, 
to discharge many of the feelings of what about me, but also to be able to 
articulate what matters to her from others as she tries to raise this young 
person. She may not have a sense of it until the young person has arrived, but 
if she has a partner, what does she expect from that person, what does she 
expect from counselors, etc. I think that sexism makes it hard for women to say 
what they want and there is no better time in their lives to do this than as
a  mother. It is as important to be able to articulate her expectations not
only  for her baby, but for her.
 
I hope that is helpful.
　

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L. K.:
  I have some thoughts for her and for the community. For all of
you, it would be useful to read Patty Wipfler's book Listening Effectively
to Children - it has great information about Parents Oppression and
listening to young people well. It also may get people moving toward
working on their own childhoods, which will be key. None of us, as allies
or parents, got the attention we could have used as young ones. For
parents, the idea of taking this on can be overwhelming, and for allies, it
can seem unfair for us to put so much attention on a young one when no one
did that for us! Often adults (parents and allies) can feel inadequate to
take on the job the way we want to, which leaves parents feeling like
failures and allies sometimes to restimulated to persist.
 
The other thing I've noticed for Moms in RC is that they sometimes feel a
real urgency during pregnancy to discharge all of there distress RIGHT NOW
so they don't pass any of it on to their young one. I have tried to keep a
relaxed perspective that she, like all parents before her, will do
everything she can to keep from passing on her hurts; some hurts will get
passed on, but they will not be to the same extent she got hurt. Sometimes
I try to contradict the urgency around a particular pattern a parent
doesn't want to pass on by suggesting that she (or he) decide which
patterns she would rather install than her own (otherwise, who would a
distress-free young one hang out with?!)
 
Another key piece of work is going to be around Mens Oppression. Parenting
seems to really amplify the effects of sexism and Mens Oppression. For new
Dad's, some of the oppressive pieces that get restimulated are the 'taking
care of business' patterns (parenting is a big job, but it can keep men
focused on doing the business instead of the relationships as much) and the
'I don't matter here' pattern (it can look like the mother has all the
breast milk, information, expertise with young ones, etc., so Dad isn't as
important to the child or parenting in general).
 
Lastly, in the US I have noticed that the first month or two after the
birth really cement in the effects of parents oppression. It looks like
doctors here have been set up to be held personally and professionally
responsible for anything that doesn't go completely well, especially for
pregnant women and newborns. This creates a situation where parents are
tired, excited, overwhelmed, and unsure, while doctors take full control of
the thinking about what needs to happen for the Mom and the young one. The
medical information and support is hugely helpful for adults in a new
situation, but the way it seems to play out here, it really reaffirms the
piece of parents oppression that says parents and young ones can't think
well enough, and any mistakes may lead to quick, dire, permanent
consequences. As allies to parents and young people, it seems important to
maintain an attitude of relaxed optimism and lack of urgency. (I reminded
one Mom that starvation doesn't happen quickly for young ones - that there
was time for her to trust her thinking and try things as she was figuring
out breastfeeding.)
 
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S. E.:
  Currently I am pregnant for the second time and I think that what I would like to add to the long list of good thinking is that is important to try to set up a plan of support around the mother and the new baby after its birth. I have found out that is common that once the baby has arrived everybody gets scare in many particular ways that tends to leave the mother in isolation, which is really hard for her to contradict or seek for help. In Mexico is generally accepted that the first months of the baby are hard, I am convinced that it does not have to be like that. Figuring out how to stay close to the new born and the mom requires lots of flexible thinking and awareness, due that the mom would be tired, overwhelmed and most of her attention would be on trying to help the new born to find its way in the world (learning to eat, sleep, move, etc.) so she might not be able to let her counselors know that she can use some relaxed attention. In my case, although at that moment I could not tell I need it, what worked very well was that Counselors came to visit with not much expectations than just be around, if there was time for me to take time fine, if I was in the middle of feeding the baby they could hang out or if I was about to sleep the baby and it was my chance to get some sleep they just would suggest to come on another time. Not many could do this, but there where some counselors that felt close enough to me and had discharged enough on being around newborns and moms that made it possible for me to feel accompanied. 

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S. L.:

  I was pleased to read that you are thinking about this pregnant counselor in
your area.  I just had a baby so this is fresh in my mind.  I would like to
add the following ideas:
 
One direction that was particularly helpful to me was to begin each of my
sessions while I was pregnant by talking to my baby.  I would tell her
something along the lines of Harvey's "all is well".  I would tell her that
I know that she is fine, that I am fine and that the world is a good place.
This was a great way to start sessions for several reasons.  First, it made
me focus on reality no matter what my feelings currently were. (And when it
was hard to pull this off with a tone of assurance, I asked my counselor to
say it).   Second, it reminded me (and my counselor) that an intelligent
being was growing inside me. This is a contradiction to young people¹s
oppression.  So often we underestimate how much young people take in and can
understand and sharing information with them is usually useful.  After my
"all is well" statement, I would tell my baby that I was going to have a
session and get rid of some feelings and some of those feelings might look
like they were about her, but they were not, they were old and when I
finished the session I would be 30 minutes (or whatever the time of the
session) less scared, sad, etc.
 
Another direction that helped me was for counselors to be very relaxed about
how much discharging I got done before the birth.  Pregnancy with its
obvious deadline brings out much urgency.  Actually, all the stuff I had to
discharge was old, had been there a long time and would still be there and
be dischargeable after the birth and (currently) everyone is born to parents
who haven't cleaned up all their distresses.  Of course having lots of
sessions during pregnancy helped me think better, but the urgency had to go.
Also, there were some things that I couldn't discharge effectively until
after my baby was born.  It took the action of birth to make space for the
discharge of some pieces. For example, I had to work a lot on the feeling
that I wasn't sure I would make it to my own birth while inside my mom and I
got much more discharge after my baby's birth from the direction, "We made
it!"   Reminding the client that there is plenty of time and she will get
sessions after the baby is born is really helpful here.
 
While I was pregnant I noticed that a lot of people, in and out of RC,
cliented at me about their pregnancies and early parenting experiences. No
one gets enough help about pregnancy and parenting and having a pregnant
person around reminds people. A useful direction for the other counselors in
your community is to work on their own experiences of pregnancy and
reproduction including such things as pregnancies, miscarriages, abortions,
and the decision to have or not have children as well as their own early
experiences in utero and as babies. This is a great opportunity to get
people working on some early distresses and if they are discharging on this=
they will be more effective counselors for the pregnant woman.
 
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B. S.:
   I'm looking at the picture on the front cover of Present Time January 2004,
and there is a quote from Tim Jackins inside on page 5 (He is talking about
connection) :" I have a picture I'll pass around that should help set it in
our minds. It's a picture of a little one looking out. This is her second
day after birth, and she's looking out at life. We need reminders like
this......................( and he goes on a little later)...we should be
looking for this much connection.............."
Having a baby is the biggest job there, and being born is the most important
thing. Our society, in general, does not yet understand these things fully. I
think in RC we are on the way to understanding. Getting it right for the
young ones, and parents is a huge move in  the direction of liberation.
Directions like -"The child has chosen you"......and "Gather round, I'm on
my way" ...could be good. Also a great time to get the society behind the
baby  and the mother and father.
Babies put sexism and internalized sexism on the line; anything, in fact,
that gets in the way of the connection that the young one expects. And
people outside of RC are only delighted to gather round, and there are lots
of resources out there.
　

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F. E.: I would like to hear people's experience and thinking around pregnancy and
dramatisations.

This coming weekend, I will be leading a local workshop. The organizer is
pregnant, and is wondering whether she shouldn't be exposing her baby to
certain dramatisations. She is clear that she shouldn't stay when things
make her scared, and that she should avoid sacry dramatizations herself.
But what about other people's material, that doesn't scare her, but that
could scare the baby?
　

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H.:

  I am an rc er from Mumbai India. I also happen to be a practitioner  of
alternative medicines.
  Yes, it has been proved that the baby inside the mother, once the brain has
been developed, can feel all the feelings of the mother, so also sense the
environmental  and emotional disturbances around. It will depend on how
much advanced the pregnancy is.
  If the mother can choose not to be disturbed, and if the discharged stuff is
not very disturbing, I feel she should go ahead and lead. In that case, it
will be a learning process for the baby inside.
  A housewife in my class was pregnant when she joined us, and now her little
girl is quite smart and confident at age five.  I feel it should be left to
the mother to decide either way. 

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J. S.:
   I was at a workshop once where a pregnant woman requested that people
discharge with attention off distress when within earshot of her, & not say or dramatize
negative things, because even the the baby may not understand the words, the
tone may be hurtful & confusing to a young one without enough information about
what's happening.  As a result we all laughed a lot! I don't think she thought
crying sounds would be harmful, it was more loudness & negativity that
were the problem.

I might add it was a bit restimulating for some of us - i.e. "what's she making
such a fuss for?"  so maybe it would be useful to suggest participants have
sessions on her pregnancy & any requirements of them before the workshop.

Hope this helps.