S.K.:
I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has counseled people who are
dying. My mom is dying of lung cancer that has metasticized to the brain,
and I'm wondering what other co-counselors have used as directions etc.
Mainly I've been just holding her close, communicating how much I love her,
and attempting to keep her attention on benign reality ("all is well and
all will be well"). Directions that I can use for myself would also be
appreciated -- I've asked about grief on the list before, but the process
of losing someone seems to be different from grieving for them after they
are gone.

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J.:
Harvey gave me a wonderful direction after the autumn of 1997,
when 10 people I knew died, including a beloved area reference person in our
region: "And every one of those people had the opportunity to be alive!"

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D.H.:

I would add one comment. Be very particular about getting and maintaining support for yourself. You can't assist someone else if you are not in reasonable shape.

I think this is the big difference between the losing process and the grieving process. In the losing process, you are really supporting 2 people: yourself and the person you are trying to assist. In your situation there is the additional layer in that you are closely related to the person who is dying. It is different from many care-giver situations because you have a long history with your mother. It is very hard to be "there" emotionally yet have a bit of detachment to facilitate an understanding of what is happening. Above all, this is VERY important work.

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T.J.:

I think you want to use the time you have with someone whose death seems
nearby to try to accomplish something, just like in all other moments of
life. I think you can use the time to build the relationship between you
by appreciating each other and telling stories to remind each other of each
other's goodness. I think you can also use the time to help the person get
a clearer version of benign reality and their place in it: how good they
are, how much they mean to you, and how much they will always play a role
in your picture of reality.