X:
Any advice for tooth-brushing? Baby seems to hate it when I brush his
teeth.
I've tried pinning him on the floor, and in a baby sling. He likes the
brush itself (it's electric), but often when he puts it in his mouth it
isn't
turned towards his teeth, so it not actually cleaning anything. I feel bad
about forcing him.
！！----------
T.L.:
I would hate to see us start looking for other people's advice instead
of trusting our own thinking. My pull to be an "authority" here is
enormous. I am not one. But you are. As parents it it SOOO easy to
believe that we are just bumbling along and completely incapable and
that other people's advice is what we really need when what we ACTUALLY
need is either a session or help! (or both)
As for tooth-brushing:
I am having a similar issue with a 16 month old baby who has a severe
strep throat and doesn't want to take anything with supplements or
medicine in it. He only wants to nurse, mostly. I had another child
who was hospitalized and had to have an operation due to complications
from strep, so I feel REALLY urgent about doing something about this.
I have been trying to use this opportunity to discharge my feelings
about medicine, oppression of young people and "forcing" children to do
things, and my other son's operation.
I have a few thoughts from that.
One is that there are almost always alternatives to what we are doing
(actually, I bet there are ALWAYS alternatives.)
and if we discharge we can probably figure out what they are. I got
chewable things for my baby even though he is of the age where he is
"supposed" to have liquids....he actually chokes a lot less, and i am
there with him in case he has a problem. I can think of all kinds of
ways to get teeth clean.
Another thought I have is that most of the time when we think something
HAS to get done, especially if we think it has to get done "RIGHT NOW!"
our distress has taken over. I can pretty safely say that at least 99%
of the time it it not nearly as urgent as we feel, and there is plenty
of time for us to not do it right now or skip this time or whatever
while we get a session and have a chance to think broadly about all the
ways we could be doing things.
As a parent I think phone time is essential. Having a lot of people I
can call is one of the key ways I survive parenting. I need a little
chance to discharge in order to keep me thinking smoothly (or at least
as smoothly as possible) several times a day. I fight all the time to
remember to call for help. I am slowly getting better at it.
A recent success is that I have set up one person to do a phone mini
with each week day. Then, when I get stuck, there is already a name on
my calendar of someone who is WAITING for me to call, and who is glad I
remembered them. I don't feel like I'm imposing, and they get support
out of it too. :)
_______________________
J.V.:
A parent who has recently completed my RC Fundamentals for Parents class
and who is raising an 8 year old grandson has asked for my assistance.
The child's 2nd grade teacher is strongly suggesting that he has ADHD
(attention deficit hyperactive disorder) and is asking his grandmom to
have him placed on ritalin (a pharmaceutical). She does not want to do
so. What I would like are suggestions and experiences regarding
"ADHD." I will counsel with her to help her to follow her best
thinking, and will consult with Patty Wipfler, but we could both use
more information on the topic from an RC perspective. Your thoughtful
responses are appreciated.
_______________
D.:
The drug is not a good idea. It has side effects, and
has the effect of helping a child conform. Teachers are too ready to label
a child ADHD. If you can teach her to listen to the child, and if she can
be an ally for both the teacher and her grandson, it would be better. A
number of RC children that I know have had this, and have sought other
schools where the child is cared for in a different way, a more loving way,
with more attention to his or her way of learning. is there a mother and
father in the picture? They need to be counseled and also taught to listen
to the child. I have worked in my private practice with many children of
this kind with success. However, the school system and doctors are
relentless, think nothing of prescribing drugs despite the side-effects.
There is also help in nutrition, such as the Feingold diet. Too much TV is
also hard on children who are active and have short attention spans. What
we know is that children are under a great deal of stress, don't get enough
outdoor exercise, and have too many activities. Some excellent information
on Ritalin, which is an amphetamine, is put forth in Peter Breggin's book
"The War Against Children". There was also a good article in PT about 2
years ago on the subject - perhaps you can find it in the RC PT index.
Looks like you have a great opportunity here to be of help. I love what
T. L. said about taking time for good attention on a regular basis.
Thanks for bringing up this subject.
__________________
E.B.:
I have agreed with the messages regarding the ADHD situation, and I could
easily write another similar message advising against putting the young
person on drugs. However, since this point of view has been well laid out,
I feel compelled to say something on the other side of the issue. The fact
is that people who are labeled ADHD may have been labeled that way because
they have particular patterns which can cause them to be the target of
rejection, ridicule, other types of harsh treatment, and a generally
oppressive school system. Good attention and discharge are the most
helpful things for getting rid of such patterns. However, the amount of
aware attention and good counseling which it might take to get rid of the
patterns is not always available- the patterns may be tough to crack,
especially in a short amount of time. If this is the case, then the child
might be the target of oppressive treatment by adults and peers and being
such a target can lay in distress which is worse than effects of
medication. Therefore, although it is generally not my ideal solution,
there are cases where it might be rational to put the child on medication
while they are in situations (particularly school) which might otherwise be
oppressive and to try to keep them off of the medication at any times when
aware attention and counseling is available. I can't tell enough about
this particular situation to know what would be the rational thing to do,
but I just thought it was important to say something about the fact that
people labeled ADHD can be the target of fierce oppression. It's something
to consider.
_____________________
C.K.:
Perhaps it was a year or more ago, but there were a few discussions
about ADD/ADHD and ritalin on this list. You could check through the
archives to see if there's anything of use to you there.
I appreciate E.'s comments because of what's already been said and
because the targeting of children who are "different" really can be
quite hurtful. I can only share some of my personal experiences
with my son K -- 7 years old, a boy many have considered to display
"classic" ADHD behavior (if there is such a thing), and who has had
a very difficult time in group settings, particularly schools. My
insights are basic, though they haven't come easily.
- blame is not useful. Besides what has gotten dumped on K, I have
also had much blame and upset directed at me by other adults because
of his difficulties. I've also liberally applied my own self-blame.
None of that has been useful, and instead has served to paralyze me.
What finally helped was to recognize in a session the familiarity of
blame and realize it was old, and be able to work on the present as
restimulation instead of anything of validity.
- discharge helps. People endlessly discuss nature/nurture, organic
or genetic causes underlying behavior, and on and on. With K, there
has been discussion not only of ADHD, but also of learning
disabilities. And we have actually tried various remedies (no drugs,
but vitamin supplements, elimination diets, and so on) to improve
things, but the only thing I have seen actually make a difference
is discharge and personal connection with K. (And those things go
better with an attitude of 'he's perfectly fine; he just needs to
discharge.')
I think of a couple times when K was obviously upset, but tried
to write something anyway -- something he would ordinarily have no
trouble with like his name -- and watched him create all the
letters completely reversed as if held to a mirror. Is that
a learning disability? To me, it is a graphic example of what
happens with K WITHOUT discharge.
WITH discharge, I have seen changes that might otherwise seem
miraculous -- except that I believe that RC works. Once I was able
to "clear the decks" of our normal routines and had over a week with
K where he didn't go to school and I didn't go to work. I was able
to counsel him more than usual -- really pour a lot of resource
into him. When vacation was over and he went back to school, he
was like a different person. His teachers were amazed. He was able
to focus, concentrate, and participate in ways he couldn't begin to
before. (Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to sustain that
level of infusion of resource and some things have tended to slide
back over time -- but it was a very hopeful glimpse.)
- key in getting and keeping the discharge going for my son has been
figuring out counseling and support for me. My distresses have a lot
to do with how effective I can be in thinking about K and how good a
counselor I can be for him. Last fall, Harvey encouraged me to work
with K by "crowding out the pattern." So for example, when K says
to me, "I hate you," I would (with this new tact) respond back with
"I hate you too." This was a completely novel idea for me. The
targeting I had endured as a child prevented me from ever being
able to consider doing anything that smacked of teasing or humiliation.
Instead, I had steadfastly been holding to what I thought was correct,
which was a response like, "oh, but I love you" (which had me arguing
with a pattern). The new tactic was amazing. Discharge opened up
for my son at a pitch and fervor that I hadn't figured out how to
even get close to before.
It has also been helpful to do some creative things in my sessions.
One of my counselors who is very good with young people, has come a
couple of times to play with K and me. Then after a couple hours of
play, she and I meet alone (this all takes logistical planning, of
course!) for a session. She has been able (with some discharge) to
talk very straight with me and tell me what she sees going on with
K and me in our interactions. I've been able to carry those
observations with me a long ways for my work in other sessions.
- it's a long process and encompasses various forms of oppression in
our society. For my son and I personally, things go up and down,
and I'm still in the throes of figuring things out. But it's
definitely taking on things that we all need to move. I can't
have the life I want if I can't bring along K. But it's more than
attempting to get things "right" for us individually. We need to
figure these things out for a human society. We're in this together.
______________
J.D.:
This is a great topic for discussion.
Ritalin is an amphetamine. It is addictive and presents other standard side
effects of "speed" type drugs. For some reason it 'helps' children labeled as
'ADHD' but no one knows how for sure. Literally millions of people (mostly
young boys) are taking this drug now in the US to treat ADHD type cases.
No one knows either what ADHD really is. Psychiatrists have not found ANY
proof yet that there is an actual physical condition or brain disorder in
cases of ADHD. Although they will try to convince you they have.
Hyperactivity, ADD, or what is currently called ADHD is a set of behavioral
patterns that makes parenting or teaching more difficult given the oppression
of teachers and parents. The solution is not to drug, but to find ways to get
more resource to parents and teachers so that children with these patterns
will get the resource they need. Changes in diet have been useful in some
cases.
There is an excellent chapter on children, including ADHD, in Peter Breggin's
book called "Toxic Psychiatry" all about mental health oppression and the
dangers in the biological model of current psychiatry.
______________________
L.B.:
As a junior high teacher, I note that the
symptoms that are listed as indicative of "Attention Deficit Disorder" apply
to nearly all of my students at one time or another. Students who act out in
disruptive ways, who refuse to sit still, etc. are usually doing the best
they can to try to get some of the attention they deserve and need but that
is unavailable to them. Parents and others need to be clear that it's not
the teacher's fault that attention is unavailable -- teachers are expected to
cope with too many students at a time and are always doing the best we can to
provide as much attention as we can possibly give to our students in the
situation. Yes, parents need counseling information, tools, and support, and
teachers need information, tools, and support, and we also need to actively
organize to make structural changes in the schools.
Parents and classroom teachers have a lot in common -- we love young people,
we want to be their allies, but we are set up in various ways to act as
frontline oppressors of young people. We are expected to do too much with
too few resources -- not enough time, assistance, appreciation, respect,
community, money or materials. We are also set up to blame each other for
the problems that the young people we love face. We need to learn to counsel
and support each other well (not just within RC classes and workshops but out
there in the "wide world"), and also to take on leadership in changing the
ways that schools don't make sense for young people.
One more thought, from J.H. (co-counselor and special ed. teacher in
Oakland), who wrote this in a recent letter to the National Education
Association newsletter: "In my 30 years as a special education teacher, I've
never seen the need to drug a child. What I do come across are overworked
teachers and frustrated parents -- both of whom are upset when children don't
want to do what they're told -- and doctors who give into the frustration and
prescribe Ritalin. . . The real culprit is the system -- it's not education
when you put one teacher in a room with 30 kids and expect each of them to
get some attention."
So let's get together and start changing it!
_____________________
E.J.:
I have been happy to pass on the information about ADHD to one of my
co-counsellors whose son has so been "diagnosed". After a workshop with
Patty Wipfler she has come home to work daily with her 12 year old son
who has so-called obsessive-compulsive disorder. She would dearly like
any information from anyone else who has had such a problem, and also to
hear from anyone who can tell her anything about Paxil, which she is
under considerable pressure to give him. In the few weeks since she saw
Patty she is seeing changes, and is also getting daily co-counselling
sessions for herself. However the pressure for medication is very
heavy.
_____________________
B.B.:
So called 'obsessive-compulsive disorder' (OCD) is a pattern, just like any
other. Some kind of restimulation occurs, causing the pattern's victim to
have intense and uncomfortable feelings. Somehow the numbing out of these
feelings has become attached to some activity (usually something
repetitive, like making sure certain things are in exactly the right order,
cleaning, etc.) The numbing activity functions similarly to other
addictions as far as I can tell. The key is to promote discharge in place
of the numbing activity. (This is easier if the pattern's victim agrees
this is a good thing to do, of course, but it is a rather straight-forward
process in any case.)
I encourage your friend to continue to resist medication for her son, and
to also continue to get daily sessions for herself. Are there allies who
can also help in the counseling of her son?
_____________________
C.K.:
I know that my son has been thought to have 'learning disabilities' by
some. I have also seen how distress seems to be connected to his
ability to process information, including his ability to write letters
and numbers. For example, I have seen him be upset and then proceed to
write his name (a task that at the time, was pretty automatic) in
complete reverse (that is, right to left with each of the letters
reversed) as in mirror image. Just last week, I was sitting with him
doing a sheet of math homework problems. As he was working, it was
clear some distress cropped up, so I 'tackled' him for a short session.
(He often has sessions during homework.) when we returned to the math,
I noticed that the first two rows of problems had been perfect, while
every single problem of the next two rows had been in error (either the
answer was wrong and/or the numerals were written backwards). After the
session, he was able to answer problems correctly including number
formation (at least for awhile, until the next session).
___________________
L.B.
I'm glad to see thinking posted on the relationship between learning
difficulties and distress.
I think there was a bit of misinformation in a recent posting about reading
instruction. Phonics (teaching the relationship between sounds and symbols
-- the letters of the English language, for example) is actually part of
reading instruction in most schools in the U.S. There are people in this
country who have promoted a false dichotomy between "phonics" and "whole
language" instruction, but in my experience, most reading teachers use a
variety of methods, including phonics, to try to help as many students as
possible. (I think the debates over the "best" way to teach reading are
based on several false (or "distressed") assumptions, including the idea that
the best way to learn for one person will be the best way to learn for
another, and the idea that some people are just "smarter" than others. The
second idea -- that some people are just smarter than others -- seems to be
the one that people who insist on privileging one method of teaching reading
over another are trying to protect.)
"Dyslexia," as I understand it, is a perceptual difference that causes people
to actually see letters and numbers differently than "nondyslexic" people. I
suspect that there are hundreds of little differences in perception that we
don't have labels for, and again, this is part of what makes teaching so
interesting, because no one method of explaining or practicing something will
work for everyone. Good reading teachers (and I include parents, tutors,
friends, as well as classroom teachers) try a variety of ways of explaining,
modeling, and practicing reading until they hit upon something that works for
a particular learner. As a teacher, I find that discharging distress does
help, because it frees me to think more flexibly about all the possible ways
of reaching my students -- including those I haven't thought of yet!
Thanks to all you teachers and learners out there.
_______________
P.:
I too have loved all the posts about learning issues and distress. I was
labeled dyslexic in the 7th grade, yet have shown few signs of it in the
last 10-15 years. I had a childhood full of repressed memories, so I'm
sure this impacted my ability to learn.
One of my teacher preparation classed in college was taught by a
particularly insightful person. One very important concept she gave me is
that a standard grading curve does NOT indicate how smart the people being
graded are. It just indicates how much time was given to the
teaching/learning process. Her point was that, no matter how poor the
teacher, 5-10% of any class could get most of the material or "earn an A."
But, given more time, everyone or nearly everyone in a class could achieve
"A" level learning.
She also made a point of helping us understand that we can learn from
everyone we meet. And she encouraged us to keep "expanding our bag of
tricks." This was her way of encouraging us to find a variety of ways to
teach any bit because no one way will work for everyone. She also made the
point that tests, instead of measuring a 'student's' knowledge, more often
measures how successful the 'teacher' was.
_______________
A. V.:
I was raised in a family of Italian immigrants that went to Argentina at
the end of last century, they were for generations poor and struggled to
live with very little of what is considered "education", my mother had
finished primary school and I don't think my grandparents went to school,
on my father's side schooling was more advanced he did two years of
secondary school before he started working at 16. I also had a very
distressed mother who used to beat us up when she was nervous, that was
quite often the case.
My father taught me and my sister to read by playing when we were 3 and 4,
it was very enjoyable. I first went to school at 6. School was for me a
sort of paradise where I could create a bit of a different life and I was
very good at it. Because I was a very good learner and had a brilliant
memory and speed for maths and no trouble in general with other subjects,
(this was more than what it was expected from me), but I remember having
problems of concentration, and socialization although I could read and
write fairly well.
I got along with things as well as I could, I had a very good spelling but
I used to repeat words when writing and could not tell my left from my
right, I still can't. I found difficult to follow directions or
instructions, I still find it difficult; and I am a very slow reader and I
get bored of reading so I did not study much from books ( I used to go to
as many classes I could in university because I could remember very easily
what I was verbally taught), and find difficult to keep my attention up to
finish things, so I used to have lots of unfinished homework and other
activities later on. This was a good enough reason for me not to obtain
good marks or merits while girls with a similar ability that were from
better off families, with an emotionally and economically more stable
background did. However I was never labeled dislexic, perhaps because my
parents would refuse any kind of labelling, which they may have found
limiting (perhaps they did not even know about it), or because I was a
"good" student teachers did not bother. Also I was docile, I did not
present a problem for this society.
In fact I think we should not assume that certain speed or abilities
considered "normal" are the measure of someone's abilities, nowadays
schools assume that maturation is homogeneous. I knew of a school in La
Plata, Argentina that would take children from 3 to 12 and would allowed
them to learn at their pace and there were no grades, meaning: some
children would read at 3-4 others would not read until they were 7or 8, and
this was not seen as a problem, there was no pressure on them. I cannot
tell how well this children did in terms of the norm, but it seems to me
that the message of respecting one's rhythm of learning is a huge
difference to what most of people I know, still today, goes through to
learn to read.
_______________________
H.H.:
Today, my 2 1/2 year old son reported that another boy at preschool has been
hitting
him and that he, my son, is afraid of the other boy. I tried doing some
role-playing with him to get him to say "Stop that!" and such, but he seems
to shut down. I also told him if necessary, hit the other boy back. But I'm
confused about this, partly because I work as a preschool teacher myself
(in another school) and partly because I never learned to physically fight
myself. As a preschool teacher, I don't encourage hitting back (though in
some situations I will overlook it) because it leads to classroom chaos,
but as a parent, this is a highly secondary concern. A related issue: my
son does say he cries when the other boy hits him. Part of me thinks this
is good. Part of me thinks it would be better for him to find a more
appropriate place to discharge, because the other boy, through
misinformation, may see the crying as "weakness" and hit him some more. My
thinking is that at this age at least, crying is not only appropriate but
might be a powerful way to discourage the other boy. The main thing it
seems to me is to help him get in touch with his power to handle the
situation himself. I look forward to hearing from other parents and allies
on this issue.
______________
T.L.:
Our community just finished having a family playday, and I have a few
thoughts. In random order, they are:
-It never makes sense for a human to hurt a human, and I think
encouraging young people to find a way to fix the situation without
retaliation probably is best.
-Discharging your own feelings about all this is probably the most
important thing you can do for your son.
-Wrestling with him playfully will probably allow him to giggle and
shake and feel more powerful. Let him "beat you up" and really be
dramatic about moaning "ouch! Oh, you're too strong for me! Wow!" and
so on - fall down a lot. If he switches into really hurting you, you
could hold him close and he will probably cry and fight hard.
-If you could invite the other child to your home to play, and have an
extra adult around, you could see if something came up between them and
just have one adult behind each child, encouraging them to fight for
what they want without letting them actually hurt each other. This is a
great way for young ones to work out relationship issues.
-Keep exuding confidence to your child. He is totally capable of
figuring out his life and having it go just the way he wants. Remind
him of that. He doesn't have to give up on having a relationship just
the way he wants with this child.
-I think that crying so the other child sees that he is hurt is
probably a very good thing. At this age a lot of communication is still
non-verbal, and crying is the best way of all to tell someone that you
are not happy about what's going on. Much more powerful than words are
still. I don't think most children at this age have gotten enough
messages about crying being a sign of weakness to make them actually
believe it.
-talk to his teacher. It may be an ongoing problem, but it may also be
that there was one toy or one day where things got particularly hard.
whether this is still going on or not will affect how you approach it.
________________
B.H.:
In order to help young ones get to discharge hurts, the best is to play
with them while we are using our attention on them. Let the children
decide the games. Let them win. If we do regular playing they will feel
safe enough to show us where they are hurt. When they do, we can
listen. I recommend very good pamphlets from Patty Wipfler on this topic
. I also recommend to join playdays and family work. I have learned a
lot by doing just that. It is important not to give directions, but just
listen with respect to what they say. It is very likely that he will
need to hit someone in order to get that out of his body, and think for
himself. If you behaves like a safe person he might be hitting you as you
are the safest person around. If you feel that it is hard for you, then
you have to counsel on it.
____________
E.G.:
I don't really know the answer, but I have some ideas. I would love to
hear other ideas. Would you be willing to share them with me (unless you
write them for the whole list, in which case I will get them that way)?
One idea is that your son shouldn't have to deal with this himself. Go
tell the other boy not to pick on him. It might be nice for your son to
see that people (such as you) stick up for right. It might be a role
model for him to follow to stop other people from picking on other people
in his presence. He might think it natural that people stick up for
other people who are being picked on, and might therefore be the hero for
others.
Another idea is to let your son pretend he is a dinosaur or a lion or
something and then ask him what he would do to the other boy or say to
the other boy.
Another idea is to work with the other boy, who must have seen hitting
modeled for him, either on him or in his presence. He probably has some
pain to get over.
This is a very important issue, and I applaud you for bringing it up on
the list.
_________________
A.Z.:
I am at long last rejoining this discussion after our baby P.'s arrival who
prompted my following response, switching to a computer that'll work in the
UK we're heading to in three months, and a 'flu' I slept through as I will
take no drugs other than topical pain relief to help sleep.
A six-week-old baby is ONE wonderful source of help to sharpen my thinking!
I cannot agree more than today J. H.'s posting: "there is no real
teaching, only learning, and the teacher's duty is to provide the
circumstances in which learning occurs". My wife S.'s corollary is that
"there are no answers, only the best I can come up with now". I wish to
elaborate through my own looking-glass of raising P. on how drugs of all
kind, not just chemical as suggested by G. H., try to mute / channel
&/or control in predictable ways that can be 'managed' by society or larger
more-or-less intentional groups. RC proposes to contradict, through its
guidelines s.a. proposed by J. W.'s original posting, prevalent
patterns in order that we regain our inherent intelligence and live better.
Let me digress: P. is a so-called "high-needs" baby in that she
discharges a lot, hesitates not a second to inform us of whatever her mood,
and is very responsive to her environment. It's quite a ride for S. and
I to stick with her... and I often feel like the pilot not the whale
('pilots' attach themselves non-invasively and feed off debris from their
host)! One observation I came across is that since humans are such a
thought-prone species with proportionately large brains, babies have to
emerge roughly halfway through what would be a full gestation in order to
live through it with mother (in other words our heads would be too big at
say 18 months, roughly elephants' & whales' gestation, to be birthed
without threat to mother's or their own life). This suggests that the first
nine months after birth might actually be "extra-utero gestation"! It
follows that holding & giving attention cannot be overdone in that
time-span, as parents actually substitute the womb until babies start
moving and feeding like other mammals. That helps me stay the course - any
thoughts on this?
Given that digression, the balance of P.'s attention is outstanding. She
will connect with me an respond to my smiles, the most effective non-verbal
outside-of-distress communication I can convey (as distinct from other
messages like "pretty girl", "flirt", "I'm happy" etc.). She will then
instantly switch to discharge if something comes up (discomfort, fright, or
no parent reason), and then as quickly again back and forth. I doubt I
project when I think P. conveys: "this is not about you, I'm here, but I
fell [...] way right now"... My flexibility has another landmark to use as
guidepost.
I experience significant pressure from my own stuff, but
more significantly from others, though well-meaning, to interrupt it:
switch positions (burping in a feed is legit), pat and bounce (distract),
or remove ourselves from the scene (isolate). I find however that no matter
how vociferous the discharge, the only thing that works in the long run is
to stay close and keep my attention on her - the louder the closer
actually... and session later if needed. I read in Patty Wipfler's
"Listening to Children" booklets that interruptions listed earlier will be
followed by re-evaluation where baby actually pauses, looks around at the
new situation, and then resumes unabated... why outside 'relief' through
interruption is short-lived, without fail.
I think that's how "giving up" can be started: The attraction to keep up
these interruptions all the time, to maintain that illusion of peace in the
absence of caregivers' attention, means that baby might constantly be
re-evaluating; s/he might eventually quit because nothing contributes
toward communicating w/ caregivers anymore (s.a. asking for what s/he
wants)! Such giving up might ironically also be rewarded, because the
behavior that follows effectively defines a "good", "quiet",
"self-sufficient or -motivated", or "bright" child who does well without
too much demand on caregivers, educators or society. [I'll stop here as
this is not my field, have little expertise in it yet, and it strays from
my point.]
I also think therein lie the underpinnings to drug prescriptions and
keeping kids 'good' addressed in this thread. Might it not be such a great
step from here to fabricate similar interruptions wholesale via drugs, TV &
other media etc., and to control, curtail or stop people from expressing
themselves or demanding what they need? In other words, is the
contradiction to dispensing drugs and making kids 'good', not to stop the
interruptions they entail? Part of our leadership is to offer through our
fresh thinking new ways to meet discharge needs at large... so vividly
brought into relief in my relationship with my baby daughter!
__________________
E.:
I would like to ask you to think of /encourage/include any only children
you may have in your community to attend this class (there is probably a
chance they will not come to you, you may have to ferret them out--in fact,
inviting them to the class or to session on taking the class may be a huge
contradiction for them). Birth order=first (and only). I have found it
incredibly useful to discharge on being an only child--there seems to be a
particular way that some distresses with only children looks very similar
to first child distresses (since they are first children, it makes sense we
would carry this stuff). I can just remember thinking when I first
started counseling, "well, lucky me! I don't have any sibling stuff to
discharge. I've got a head start!!"
HAAAAAHAHAHAHA. What do I work on all the time now? The pit of isolation
connected to and the pressures of being an only child--it's only my biggest
chronics bundled up in quite a package. I really do try to work on other
things, but it always goes back to this, sigh ;-)
Often we get forgotten about in situations like this (sibling classes or
groups). Actually, I believe it simply ends up restimulating exclusion and
isolation (we tend to also think we wouldn't have anything to work on since
we didn't have siblings), instead of encouraging us to actually work on
what material we do have in the area. For example, I wished every birthday
as I blew out my candles, for a brother or sister. Now, there was no
sibling there, but there is a big chunk of frozen need that must be
discharged that *got connected to siblings*.
I am saying 'we' working from my connections to and discussions with other
only children in (and out of) the counseling communities. I do not wish to
imply that every only child has these exact distresses, just doing my best
to put out some info as I've seen it laid out so far.
I hope you have a splendid class!!
________________
For reference:
A Draft Policy Statement For Allies to Young People
Who We Are
* We were all young at one time.
* Allies are a critical group of people for all liberation movements. Adult
allies are necessary for young people's liberation.
* Adult allies to young people are people who know from our own childhood
experiences that young people's oppression is not right and have
consciously decided to stand up against the oppression of young people.
* As allies to young people our goal is to treat every young person as
fully human and completely intelligent and to organize others to do the
same. The core of all oppressions is seeing individuals as category
members rather than unique human beings.
* As allies to young people, we are anyone who has taken on caring
relationship with young people through work, counseling, parenting, or
friendship. We are parents, guardians, teachers, friends, neighbors,
aunts, uncles, etc..
* We know that fighting young people's oppression is our struggle and not
someone else's. It's for young people and also for us.
Reality about Allies to Young People's Liberation
* Adults are precious individuals. Each one of us is a miracle.
* We are completely good, caring, cooperative and intelligent.
* We are completely powerful and bursting with life.
* We respect and enjoy each other.
* Adults are fully human, alive and enjoy life. It is great to be an adult.
* Inherently all people want to be close to one another. It makes complete
sense for everyone to make friends, including people of different age
groups. We want to overcome the artificial separations based on race, sex,
age, disability, class, etc. which divide us from one another.
* In the absence of distress, every adult would naturally care deeply
about young people and would back young people to have good lives.
Reality about Young People
* Young people are precious individually. Each one of them is a miracle.
* Young people are fully human. They are not in training to become fully
human.
* Young people are completely good, caring, cooperative and intelligent.
* Young people are completely powerful and bursting with life.
* Young people enjoy and respect each other.
* Young people lead the world in play, laughing, hopefulness, closeness and
remembering the importance of relationships.
* There is no inherent difference in the respective worth of young people
and adults.
* Young people are no different from adults.
* Young people can be completely responsible.
* Young people expect the world around them to be rational. They expect
adults to love, appreciate and respect them. They expect to be treated with
kindness, cooperation and assistance.
* Young people naturally understand fundamental concept of the discharge
process and use it.
* Young people understand the importance of completely close relationships
with people of all ages.
* Young people need adult allies in order for their lives to flourish.
Every young person needs someone (young or older) to believe in them.
Young people need for someone to remember their goodness and significance.
They also need someone to provide consistent and accurate information about
the world around them.
Young People's Oppression
* The young people's oppression is the systematic mistreatment of young
people by the society. Adults are forced by the oppressive society to play
the role of the agents of the oppression. The oppression is part of the
social and economic structure. For example young people are not allowed to
vote, are forced to attend schools that are not adequately set up to
support their humanness. Young people are not expected to be powerful and
intelligent.
* Young people are oppressed because of their age. The main excuses used
for this oppression are young people's assumed or actual lack of experience
or knowledge and physical weakness. Young people are systematically
mistreated because of their access to discharge process and their
excitement and clear thinking about closeness. For example, when a young
person shows hopefulness about the world and/or asks for help, he or she is
often humiliated and shamed.
* The oppression of young people comes from outside. It comes from the
patterns of individual and often well meaning adults who are parents,
teachers, policemen, truant officers, etc... 23 The oppression is
institutionalized in school, religious institutions, laws, government, etc.
* In oppressive societies, all young people are oppressed. Young people's
oppression is the underlying force for all other forms of oppression. It is
where and how we are all trained to accept the role of the oppressed and
the oppressor and where we are made to feel powerless.
* The oppression of young people is relentless and often brutal.
Violence, threat of violence, humiliation and the threat of humiliation
keep young people's oppression in place.
* All of us as young people eventually internalize the lies we were told
about ourselves. We start believing the misinformation that we are less
than human and therefore deserve mistreatment as young people. Also we
start believing the lies about other young people and often begin to
disrespect and treat other young people as if they were stupid.
* Adults sometimes idealize young people as "saviors of the next
generation", rather than actually assisting them to fight the oppression
they are facing.
* Young people's contribution to our society and families is unrecognized.
Adults unconsciously expect all young people, especially the very young, to
be our counselors on hopefulness, reality, caring and connection.
Our Strengths as Adult Allies
* Adult allies can openly love.
* We care deeply for young people. One example of this is that parents
would do anything for their children.
* We are able to try to put aside our own struggles for significant periods
of time in order to: pay attention to, assist and support young people.
Parents are forced to make and remake this decision continuously.
* We are able to offer young people a perspective that is outside their
internalized oppression. For example we can remember that they are
brilliant. Parents will fight to cherish their children no matter what
their children's distresses are.
* We can use the "privilege" of adulthood given to us by oppressive
societies-our access to resources- to the advantage of young people. For
example, we can help young people raise money for their projects, provide
transportation, etc.
* We know we can learn a lot from young people.
* We are very good at playing and "hanging out"(spending relaxed time) with
young people. Parents model commitment to young people both because of
parents oppression and the humanness that they bring to their work.
* We are good at creating situations in which young people are given the
opportunity to fight for themselves. We can train more adults to do this.
The parent-child relationship can be a model fro close trusting commitment
between people.
* We are committed to reclaiming our inherent humanness. We model a
different picture of adulthood to young people than the rigid one usually
allowed by the oppressive society. For example we like to play and enjoy
each other. We can remember that we are all one big family.
* We were young once and have lots of experiences to refer to.
* We can remember that every change we make in a young person's
relationship with his or her parents and family is ten times more profound
than our relationship with us individually because of the great majority of
young people show their full selves in the family.
The External Effects of Young People's Oppression on Adult Allies
* Allies to young people are not systematically oppressed as a group.
However we are affected by young people's oppression. For example, anytime
an adult stands up against the oppression of young people, he or she may be
targeted by the oppression of young people: actual or threatened violence,
humiliation and disrespect.
* Our hopefulness about young people's liberation is often met with
disrespect, sarcasm and humiliation.
* We are also oppressed as members of other groups. These oppressions are
independent of young people's oppression and at the same time are
completely related to it. For example parents are not paid wages by our
society to raise the next generation. Teachers, nannies/baby-sitters and
child care workers are paid low wages because of their connection to young
people. A big piece of sexism is tied up to young people's oppression.
Caring for children is seen as women's work. As such, it is undervalued and
underpaid.
* The oppressive society scapegoats parents for any problems. For example,
parents are publicly blamed for not "properly" taking care of their
children. The blame comes more harshly to working class and poor parents.
* Adults, especially men, are not seen as trustworthy around children. Our
motives for wanting to be with young people is seen as suspect and an
excuse for exploiting or molesting them.
The Internal Effects of Young People's Oppression on Adult Allies
* Feeling we are in competition with other allies. We feel the pull to
settle for the appearance of being the good ally, instead of doing the work
cooperatively .
* Competition leads us to distrust of and dislike for one another and can
result in us feeling isolated and doing the work on our own.
* Leaving ourselves and our own group's liberation out of our thinking.
* Feeling victimized by young people or feeling guilty and rigidly
responsible for the oppression of young people.
* Feeling like we have to save or rescue young people from their families
and other allies.
* Feeling that we need to be cautious and hold back on openly showing
caring around young people so we won't be attacked for sexually molesting
them.
* Feeling hopeless about being able to make a difference comes up as we
move in young people's direction. This is only the result of our own
internalized young people's oppression and how difficult it was to battle
the oppression. We may feel like giving up on young people. This is because
people gave up on us.
* We don't expect to be valued and treated with respect for the work we do.
* As male allies to young people, we often feel that we are not fully male
if we dedicate ourselves to young people.
* As female allies to young people, we may feel that we are not liberated
if we dedicate ourselves to young people.
Proposed Program for Action for Adult Allies to Young people
I. Take pride in being an adult - reclaim full adult humanness and lead a
full life of no limits.
* Model our pleasure in ourselves and our lives is very helpful to younger
people.
* Reclaim our joy and curiosity for life and adventure in the world. We
cannot depend on young people to hold these out for us.
* Reclaim playing with young people as well as adults.
* Reclaim openly liking and enjoyment of all people.
II. Discharge fully on our childhood and young adult years, especially all
details of young people's oppression that we have experienced and
internalized. We need to do this in order to face the reality of young
people's oppression and to work effectively to eliminate it.
* Discharge anything that gets in our way of being able to notice and act
on the fact that we are completely smart, powerful and significant.
* Young people are able to feel close and connected to all kinds of
people. We were all like that before early distresses were set in. We need
to grieve the ways in which we were made to feel disconnected and isolated
from each others.
* Suggested topics to discharge:
1. Look at our own experiences as young people and discharge on how we were
treated.
2. Review on good as well as hard times.
3. Look at the way in which we were rejected by other young people growing up.
4. Talk about how we felt about adults' live not looking good
III. Notice that young people's oppression is over for us as adults. We are
not victimized by it anymore.
* Just by being an adult, we are in the oppressor role in relation to young
people. Regardless of how aware we are of our role as oppressors, we are
seen as an "adult" by young people and we have access to the resources and
privileges of being adults.
* As we take a closer look at the effects of young people's oppression, we
will need to notice feelings of guilt that are re-stimulated.
* As we work to build good relationships with young people, we gain their
respect by showing our selves openly including sharing where we struggle.
The challenge is to give up pretense and at the same time not expect young
people to counsel us on our distress.
* Developing judgment about the difference between showing ourselves
completely and sharing with the young person the kind of information he or
she can understand and use. For example, being completely close to a person
who is 8 years old does not mean that it makes sense to share information
about our sex life.
IV. Understand the "big picture" of age oppression.
* Age oppression keeps us isolated. Every age has its own set of
misinformation. For example:
1. "Young adults are still too young to be respected for being
smart but too
old to be asking for any more support. " "You're on your own."
2. "Adults are supposed to be settled in their lives." We are
supposed to
have no new goals and only have relationships with members of our
nuclear
family.
* We are not encouraged to be close to people beyond a very select circle
of family or partners. We are forced to comply with the class system and
give up having friends who are of other class backgrounds.
* Discharge the effects of internalized young people's oppression. Most of
us are still reeling from the effects of young people's oppression and the
disrespect and powerlessness we experienced as children. The oppression of
young people keeps us isolated from young people. It stops us from noticing
their brilliance and following their lead in reaching for closeness.
Adults feel "better than" young people; this feeling of superiority
separates us from young people and from each other.
* Organize our own age group around discharging any misinformation that we
have internalized.
* We need to work together to follow our own vision for our lives, not
accepting the limited picture of the oppressive society. Go for everything
at every age. There are no limits.
V. Become an Active Ally of Young People's Liberation
A. Action Steps for Allies to Young People Leading Other Adults
* Disseminate information about young people's oppression and liberation
widely among adults. Go public with the RC model of human beings, with how
an adult can look and how limited the picture of "adulthood" is in
oppressive societies.
* In consultation with young people, organize adults to act effectively for
young people's liberation.
* Effectively interrupt oppressive behaviors among adults and take a stand
against institutionalized young people's oppression.
* Support anyone who is teaching co-counseling classes to young people.
* Actively assist other allies of young people in their work. Appreciate
the work that allies do and that you do.
* Hold age-based support groups in and out of RC with the perspective that
it is "great" to be any age.
* Build real committed and connected relationships with adults. Fall in
love with each other.
* Create wide-world organizations that enlist, organize and/or support
allies to young people.
B. Become an Active Ally by Supporting Young People
* Listen to young people.
* Ask young people questions about their lives and listen carefully.
* Get accurate information about young people's liberation. Read "Young
and Powerful".
* Assume that at all times that you are wanted and needed by young people.
* Make relationships with young people based on genuine respect and interest.
* Always expect young people to have complete pride and confidence in
sharing their thinking. Expect young people to take themselves seriously.
* Boldly interrupt the mistreatment of young people by adults.
* Assist young people to love and respect one another and interrupt when
they mistreat each other. Remember that you are the outside resource they
need here.
* Welcome young people as integral members of the co-counseling communities.
* Become co-counselors with young people.
* Support young people to become excellent co-counselors for one another.
* Support young people to lead young people's liberation and to build close
relationships with one another. Help them make a real choice about leading.
Their decision to lead should not be based on rescuing other young people
and/or making adults feel better.
* Go public with RC model of human beings, with how an adult can look
like and how limited the picture of "adulthood" is in oppressive societies.
* Create wide-world organizations that promote young people's liberation in
whatever way possible (i.e., play-centers, run-away facilities, useful
schools, help-lines, media-access-centers, etc.) Help young people have an
active voice in the design, running and policy setting of these
organizations.