Discussion on Attacks and Gossips at Work Place
Question 1:
I am interested in hearing people's stories (successful or otherwise) of your efforts to create work places where there is a policy of no attack and no gossip.
Has anyone been able to introduce a similar policy to the one we have in RC and put it in writing into their wide world work? If so, what words were used? How was it accepted in the work place?
Question 2:
I would like to ask for your experience, expertise and knowledge on counseling on attacks, not necessarily within the RC community, though that is also useful, but in general, what has been useful when trying to tackle the feelings related to this issue, attitudes and directions welcome.
Question 3:
At one level I understand and can usually listen well in the work place when someone is expressing their anger, sadness, embarrassment and so on. But when someone is whining (which I understand to be an expression of powerlessness), I struggle. To me it is not discharge, but rehearsal of powerlessness and therefore I do not think that it makes sense to listen to this as it can go on and on and appears to simply reinforce the belief of the person.
If this idea is correct, the next bit is what do I do when faced with someone who is whining about a situation? I assume that my inability to figure out how interrupt the whining or contradict it in a way that allows the other person to discharge a little and still leave them feeling good about themselves is my own un-discharged early material. I guess this is my area of responsibility and assume that I need to discharge both my own sense of powerlessness and my early experiences of being whined at. Do you have any thoughts or comments about this?
Response 1:
As a non-union hourly production worker in a factory I have not been in a position to advance direct policy in a workplace, however I have been successful in putting one in place de facto (in fact). It was very simple. I respectfully listened to everyone and never encouraged or participated in any gossip. I encouraged, through various clever means, ways in which people could listen with respect to each other. It became the standard way of relating in our shop, replacing the gossip. In most work places there is competition and people are set against each other either overtly by management or by the oppressive system in general. Gossip is the internalizing of that oppression and lack of respect for the human. It intensifies within oppression groups present in the workplace i.e. women, men. If you can contradict internalized competition and offer people another way of relating and an understanding of the oppressive system they are working under, in my experience, the gossip pretty much disappears. What used to be gossip will look more like attempts of people to get sessions and think about each other. It will have a much more productive focus and solutions to difficulties will be found.
More details are in the article "Leading is Just a Job You Learn How to Do" in "A New Kind of Communicator". It describes how particularly I used the RC forms of session, support group, leader's group and RC class in a naturalized way.
The goal of ending gossip is a highly worthy endeavor.
Oh, I just saw the word "attack". If you can learn to not be afraid of "attacks" you can divert them toward you. Handling them respectfully and in a relaxed manner will relax everything.
Some people have liked one of my principles in the workplace: If there is trouble move toward it. Another useful one is: No one messes with (attacks) my friends and everyone is my friend. Encouraging "mock" attacks towards yourself when tense issues come up and then handling them with respect and humor helps, a lot.
We all know what the tense issues are in the workplace. It is nice to be able to handle them on your own terms and with humor in the times when they are not burning all over the place.
Response 2:
I don't have a workplace example, but an interesting one from a long term organizing effort among women. When I was working with the state-wide Women's Agenda Project in North Carolina, I began using the Wygelian Leaders model for meetings of our Board of Directors, who often would complain to me about each other. I discovered that the fourth question, which I rephrased as "What do you find yourself doing over and over to shoot your own foot off?" was very effective in reducing criticism among the group. Each one could see that others who they felt critical about, often had some self understanding about how they were aggravating or ineffective and that each one was working to change as best they could.
I had one person who was especially critical of almost everyone else which sparked off criticism of her from almost everyone else. I held on to her for her strong commitment, hard work, and especially clear information about women's issues. I personally told her that I needed her complete support and that especially in public situations I could not have her express criticism of me and that if was going to criticize me she had to ask permission and tell me several things she appreciated about be first.
Others would say, "I don't know how you keep working with B. She is so difficult. I can hardly stand it when she jumps on me (criticizes) for almost nothing."
After we started using the Wygelian format, people would say "You know I find B difficult, but I sort of realize that it is hard for her to change, and that she is aware of that what she does that is hard for others and she really does want to change."
So the occasional use of Wygelian group meetings among people in the same office might help.
Response 3:
I usually assume in a workplace that all whining has credibility. That, at the core, there is something wrong. So my response, given without whining but with assurance, is, "Yes, that sucks." (Working Class English for "It is terrible.")
I also do something I call "hard talking" sometimes where I give in a matter of fact, powerful tone, an assessment of the situation that is much worse than what the person says. In other words I am agreeing and taking it a step further. This is not to better them but to give an accurate assessment of the bigger picture. People usually take it as validating of their feelings and point of view but it also puts things in a broader context that makes the "whiner" not a bad person but a visionary and champion of liberation and pulls them closer to that actually in practice. People answered in that way lose the "whiny" tone and also become more assured in their tone and it is easier to listen to and takes on more intelligence and valuable content. We are so prohibited from any legitimate complaining in a workplace that people need to be supported on their perceptions. One does not have to agree with the patterned part of their expressions but I think can usually find something at the core that is correct. It is trickier as a manager because your own job is at risk if you appear to agree. I have recently been in a very low level manager position where this oppression operated against me but I still found ways to say things like, "Well, I can't, due to my position tell you what I know about that, but I would not say you are wrong. I cannot change that, it is something we are going to have to deal with until it can be corrected. I will give you what help I can. But you are right." Of course I have credibility always by not lying and by doing visible and obvious things to correct things as much as I can. I tell them and I live by: I am here to make your job easier. Our department, while I was working there, was the only one in the division to makes its goals (set by management) last season and everyone was pleased with us and with me.
Response 3:
Thank you so much for presenting your ideas in such a clear manner. I feel very excited about the possibility of adopting a change in attitude towards whining! It feels very hopeful.
I was going to write yesterday and let you know that within 5 minutes after sending off my email about whining, the woman that adopts this behaviour came into my staffroom. I took a deep breathe and decided to be there for her (and ultimately me) in whatever way I could. I stayed with her for an hour. In that time she told her story and I was able to validate her perspective and offer a different one when she was 'feeling' like they were being secretive. I told her about the RC perspective of feelings not necessarily being true indicators and said that if this was a counselling session I would ask her what was her earliest memory of 'secrets'.
To my surprise and delight, she immediately told the story of her mum not telling her that she was pregnant with her younger sister and that she was unaware until she went into hospital and then she came back with a baby!
She felt safe enough to cry with me. I was and still am very pleased.
I am especially pleased that when my feelings arose as she adopted a whining I was able to just keep liking her!!!
It has been lovely to see her walking around the work place with a much lighter look about her. The lovely thing is that I feel that much closer to her and am noticing how much better my thinking around both her and others is.
I also feel much more hopeful and notice that my ability to think and strategize around the planned changes to our organization is much clearer.
Response 4:
It has been helpful for me to remember that I am lovingly connected to a web of people and I counsel on that. I remember that if I'm lovingly connected to someone it is because I can see the real human in them (and they can see the human in me). I start with my connection to my counselor and anyone else I feel connected to. I have been counseling on this for years and continue to do so. It helps when I notice my connections to the people in the RC support groups and classes I lead as well as the other groups I lead and am part of (on an ongoing basis).
I remember attacks are just re-stimulation of the other person (not me) and the feeling is what it felt like when I was little. And it was much worse in the past than it is now--I now know it is the other person's re-stimulation and that I have resources available.
As D S recently said to me, by noticing connections and building them in my life, I can wrap myself in a cloak of connection so that attacks don't re-stimulate me, they just look like confused patterns on top of a real person. Then I can figure out what I'm going to do with the other person/people. Some choices for action with others are: ignoring them and going about my work; connecting with them on some level; and helping them move through their stuff
Response 5:
There are several things I have done to handle attacks.
1. To make the decision that I am going to be the best counselor I can possibly be. In my job I act as a counselor to others, too. I remember what a difference it makes to others if I don't get re-stimulated. In the past when I ran for a political office in the US, I was attacked. At one moment I got afraid and said something wrong. I saw how devastated that made my supporters feel when they felt I had abandoned them. I never want to do that again. That helps me with the decision not get re-stimulated. I make the same commitment to my wide-world friends and colleagues that I make to my co-counselors. That I will reach out to them and be there for them, no matter how hard it gets.
2. I remember my relationships. I think of my beloved others walking with me shoulder to shoulder and around my back. To contradict feeling alone.
3. I counsel on the relationships where I struggle and then look at what I need to do to move forward. I counsel on wherever it gets hard. And I find the roots of where I struggle (which, for me, goes back to early struggles). It's good for me to work on relationships in the present because I have a hard time getting back to early struggles.
4. This helps me to remember that attacks are about where someone else is struggling. And I'm a safe place to show it. (And then I remember my commitment not to get re-stimulated and gather my allies around me mentally...)